Sexual Healing... In the First Order sort of way...

Helpful thoughts from Sexual Healing:
First off, interviewing was done well in that both individual and couple interviews were depicted; this diversity is important for letting both partners feel like they have freedom to express ideas they might not be ready to share in front of each other yet.
Some good information came from a few questions as well; it was important to know about the individuals' sexual history, what had worked well in the past, if low sexual drive was a lifelong experience or not. It was particularly helpful to know that one of the women had been sexually abused as a small child, and to walk through what that might mean in her life as an adult woman. Shawn's wife was able to comment essentially that their sexual script had reduced to a very limited number of options- again, good information for a therapist.

Now for the Critique:
Differentiation. Or the lack of it. At one point Debbie basically made a plea during her private interview for differentiation, for some space to be herself. Instead, all of the assignments involved building intimacy through fusion.  Debbie's husband, with the best intentions, asked "How do I get you started?" Two of the assignments highlighted were the "surrender date"and the rock climbing field trip. Both had elements of excitement, trust, and adventure. Both had potential to enhance a couple's relationship, but not mend it.  In the "surrender date" the husband was told to"take responsibility for both of their needs"... thereby directly contradicting her interest in greater differentiation. The rock climbing exercise was used because doing fun things- especially scary things- together, is supposed to increase intimacy.

So many of the "interventions" in the show were not inherently bad. Dates are great. Field trips to sex shops and experiments with new toys or fantasies is likely to provide a exciting experience for a couple. And doing "stuff" together like rock climbing can create fun memories. But none of these activities in and of themselves gets to the root of increasing desire by strengthening self-validated intimacy. The "success" couples experienced during their week and the clinic are likely to be first order changes that do not affect who they inherently are as couples- more importantly, who each person is as a "self, in relationship."

Feminists and Pornography

 First, a little background of my own. I was raised in a pretty morally conservative household: porn was bad. All types and all forms.  We never found a stash of Playboys or a collection of videos, and I grew up before home computers.  If pornography was in my house, it was such a deep and dark and dirty secret that survived in the deep underground. Has this skewed my perspective on porn? Most certainly.
Another bit of background info: I'm not really a feminist. Not because of any philosophical or political stance: purely out of ambiguity.  I am was raised in a home with a father who treated me as an equal with my brother. I married a man who is kind, supportive, and encourages me to be autonomous. I have spent my life in a spectrum of human service kinds of job; its one place in the career market where women actually dominate (just look at the gender makeup of our cohort). I am privileged. I recognize this; but it's also part of what's shaped me.
Sometimes when I am exposed to the views of ardent feminists fighting for a better society, I am caught off guard by their position. Tiefer's view on pornography is a perfect example of my incorrect assumptions. I have always believed, as a product of my background, that pornography is damaging to the plight for equality. I assumed that it degrades women and perpetuates unrealistic stereotypes of body image and sexual response. Tiefer's stance was exactly the opposite:
"And although antipornography arguments seem to rely on scientific research or more principles, I often see just the projection of these internal feelings of shame and dirt that were taught at an early age" (p.140).
I haven't yet determined if I'm guilty: if my views of pornography are a projection of the dirt and shame surrounding pornography that I was taught as a child. Or possibly I just disagree with Tiefer on this point. I feel a bit arrogant even suggesting that I would have the audacity to disagree with the queen of feminist sexuality; she certainly has studied, researched, and lobbied her right to "know what she is talking about". This change in perspective is one that is going to take me time though. Later on the same page Tiefer suggests that "empowerment, not protection, is the route to women's sexual development" (p. 140). I suppose my view of pornography could be classified as protective. I am willing to consider empowerment instead, but it's going to take a little time to turn this ship around.

My name is Sarah Wignall. I am in the first year of the Couple and Family Masters Program.  I was drawn to this program initially with an interest of working with couples, but am finding my work with children to be very rewarding.  I have been married for almost 20 years; the information we have been exposed to just in the first week of HDF 505 is fascinating for me to think about through the lens of a long term committed relationship. I am not sure where my professional path will lead, but I do still believe that a happy family has to begin with a happy couple. Therefore, I am grateful for the opportunity to discuss issues that our society tends to be sensitive about but are vital to a thriving relationship.